Hey, it’s been awhile. I’ve been neglecting my website because I have been having a rough go of it this fall. I’ve dealt with anxieties for several years now. This past summer it came to a point where I was always anxious and the severity of the anxiety would occasionally increase. On one occasion, it was so bad that I could understand why somebody would commit suicide. While I had had suicidal tendencies when I was a teenager, these generally played out in a destructive lifestyle. After the crash, I also had feelings of hopelessness that were accompanied by thoughts of suicide. But this experience was on another level. I wanted to die, just to escape that feeling! I hated the anxiety. I hated the thought that I might harm myself and dishonor my Lord.
I was beset with anxiety. Anxious about nothing; anxious about everything. I identified with this famous line from President Franklin D. Roosevelt’s first inaugural address; “…the only thing we have to fear is…fear itself — nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes.” I know what it’s like to fear fear, that fear that paralyzes.
Having a BA in psychology, I knew the condition I was experiencing, Generalized Anxiety Disorder. But I had always been the strong one. By the grace of God, I was the guy who could deal with affliction. People looked at me as strong. What if they knew? Being sobered by the knowledge that suicide had combed her icy fingers through the follicles of my mind and found a spot, I decided that this condition had to be dealt with.
I had fought anxiety in the Spirit since it first took root years ago. But with this recent battle, almost causing me to lose the war, I decided that for me, this battle must be physical as well as spiritual. In September I decided it was time to see a psychiatrist. Not a psychologist to talk with, but a bonafide medical doctor who could prescribe medication. As a Christian this is the last place I wanted to turn. I had seen so many inexplicable direct answers to prayers, why didn’t God just take the fear away, as I had prayed? I don’t know. But I knew that I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I hate drugs! And here I am still struggling as the Dr. tries to find the appropriate medication and dosage. I’ve tried a couple avenues with medication prescribed by this psychiatrist, they ended in dead ends. Right back where I started, or worse.
I cry; O’ God, I am so weak, so very very weak.
God reminds me; “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
Use me God, use my weakness. Even this, use this!
Wow! Kind of a dark post. Nevertheless, I am blessed with a life and a message to share. My life is my message. O’ blessed affliction/I embrace thee
On a more positive note, I am slated to share my message at Port Huron Northern tomorrow afternoon in the Performing Arts Center.
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